I knew him back in high school. We met during my junior year when I was moved downstate to live with my sister. When we met, we both were with other people, but we clicked instantly. He was that larger-than-life, walks-to-the-beat-of-his-own-drum type of guy who seemed perfect in every way. I had the biggest crush on him. We seemed forever drawn together, walking that fine line of innocent flirtation while staying loyal to the people we were with at the time. It was a puppy love level of infatuation for me, the likes of which teenage rom-coms are made. RELATED: The Death Of My Alcoholic Father Made Me A Better Mom One fateful weekend, I had gotten into a fight with my then-boyfriend and he ended the relationship. Likewise, my crush had just split from his on-again, off-again girlfriend. Our window had been opened, albeit very briefly. Our group of friends hung out that weekend but we gravitated directly toward one another. We found ourselves leaning on each other in our shared heartache. We talked and talked and eventually we kissed. The night felt like perfection. Within a few days, we both ended up back with our respective exes. Our window had closed and would never reopen for us again. I don’t regret it because my high school sweetheart and I would go on to have our daughter a couple of years later. Yet, part of me always held tightly to that night and pondered the what-ifs. If I had only to choose one person to hold the title of the one that got away, it would be him. What lingered even more than the kiss, were his words that night. I had never had anyone be so sweetly kind, compassionate, and encouraging toward me before. He had gone on and on, telling me what a fool my ex was forever letting me go. He assured me I was smart, funny, beautiful, creative, and wonderful in every way. He told me I deserved so much better in life and that I should never settle, that I deserved to be happy and be with someone who cherished me and treated me right. By the time he was done, I felt as if I was perched precariously on a pedestal I did not deserve. He had said every single thing every woman longs to hear, yet at the time I couldn’t believe any of it because I had already begun my spiral into depression and self-loathing. I was convinced he had only said those things to be nice, out of some strange obligation to make me feel better. RELATED: Being Medicated Makes Me A Better Mom Yet for years I clung tightly to those words, cherishing them as something I longed to be true, that one day I might be worthy of his words. As years passed, we talked less and less and eventually lost touch. I was trying my hardest to escape my past and, regrettably, that meant losing anyone connected to it. The last time we spoke, we shared pictures of our children and stories about our lives. We laughed and joked like no time had passed because that was always our way. We never talked about our one night — not then, not ever. He talked so passionately about teaching and fatherhood. He seemed honestly happy. My life was far from there but I painted on a smile and wore that mask to reassure him that I was doing peachy. We never had a chance to speak again. A little over a year later, he killed himself. Apparently, he was an expert at wearing a mask as well. He had been struggling with depression himself for years. We were more alike than I had ever realized. I didn’t even find out until almost two years after his death. It tore me apart in so many ways. I had irrational guilt I could not shake because I kept feeling like I should have been there, been a better friend. I got drunk for the first time ever because I needed so badly to escape myself and my feelings, even if just for a night. I couldn’t stop crying. I kept wondering why, when I had walked that edge myself so many times, he was the one dead while I was still alive. It felt so unfair. My mind kept going back to that one beautiful, fateful night and all those amazingly wonderful things he had said. He saw so much in me even when I could not see it myself. I had always cherished those words and prayed that one day I would be able to be that person, to find some truth in them. RELATED: Why 50% Of Women Regret Marrying Their Husbands There are no words or actions that could ever bring him back. You cannot change the past. I found myself longing to do something, anything, in remembrance of him, something that would honor his memory. I will continue to write and reach out to others struggling with depression, but that is a mission I began even before feeling the pain of his loss. While he will forever be on my mind now whenever I talk anyone off that ledge, he deserves something more personal and meaningful than that. Again, I find myself back at his words that night. I have decided I shall embrace them fully, and repeat them daily as my mantra until they become my reality. I will learn to love myself and to see myself as the woman he believed me to be all those years ago. I will fight harder than I’ve ever fought to overcome my demons because he once saw a beautiful light in me and I refuse to snuff that light out. I will embrace myself and love myself fully. I will see the intelligence, beauty, and worth in myself. I will no longer settle nor will I let anyone ever again treat me like I am less than a person. I will learn to treat myself with as much kindness and compassion as I have always shown others and I will learn to forgive myself for not being perfect. I used to think I wanted more than anything for his words to be true. Truthfully, what I want more than anything is to have him back and to make things right. Unfortunately, I cannot unring that bell so I shall settle for making his words into reality so a little piece of him will forever live on in me. To that place where beautiful dreams go to die, I send lovingly to Matt: A piece of my heart will always be yours, and will always love you. It is that piece that I shall use to love myself, as well, for you saw it all in me before I could ever see it in myself. RELATED: 8 Subconscious Behaviors That Stop You From Living Your Best Life B.L. Acker is a writer, artist, and author of Unlovable: A Story of Abuse and Depression from Someone Drowning in the Abyss. This article was originally published at Unloveable Book. Reprinted with permission from the author.
